If you have ever loved a pet, you have experienced loss, or you will. What did you do?
I asked friends online to answer, “What do you do when a beloved pet dies?”
I wasn’t soliciting suggestions for what others should do after a beloved pet dies. Instead, I wanted to read about and, I hoped, to share experiences. I asked them to fill in some background.
Was the loss sudden? Did you fight a long battle to save the pet over time? Was it your first pet loss or one of many over the years? Did you have other pets, or was the pet you lost your only pet then?
After the pet died, did you decide to get another pet (of the same species?) right away, if possible, or did you decide not to get another pet right away, to wait, or to not ever to get another pet?
If you decided to get another pet right away, how soon did you get that pet?
If you decided to wait to get another pet right away, how long did you wait?
If you decided not to get another pet (of that species?), how long has it been (since your pet died)?
In retrospect, how do you feel about the decision you made after your pet died? Did you change your mind eventually? What were the feelings and reasons that caused you to come to a different conclusion later?
Here are some of the thoughtful and poignant answers to my questions:
Catherine Phoenix Hallam MSc (United Kingdom) Very individual question.
Em E Wolf (Vermont) Wait . . .
Robin Sallie (Massachusetts) I have been dogless for what will be five years in June.
Tammy Marshall (Washington) I still haven’t gotten a new dog after Jett died. When my cat died, I went to SCRAPS almost immediately and got a kitten. I’ve always had a cat; I have to have a cat.
Beth Bowles (Pennsylvania) I always need to wait. My heart needs to grieve first.
Lili Chin (California) It has been over one year since my dog died and I am still grieving. I am not ready and may never be. It’s hard to know right now. I miss having a dog but not just any dog. A dog is not just a dog.
Nathan Weller (Washington) I waited eight months to grieve and make sure I wasn’t trying to fill the void. But it was my first pup.
Shelly Keel (Idaho) I lost my best girl in May of 2020, two months after we relocated to Idaho to reestablish our lives after losing everything in the November 2018 Camp Fire in Northern California.
My girl Dakota, a “standard size” labradoodle, was just short of 15 years old. She had been diagnosed with cancer in 2019 and had some pain and hind-end weakness due to an earlier L6 disc issue, so while I had hoped for more time with her, her time to cross the rainbow bridge was not a surprise either.
Dakota was my only pet. My best friend, travel buddy, and business helper. Even though her loss was not unexpected, it was devastating for me. I knew I would one day get another dog, but I was in no way ready for a long time. First I had to go through the transition for my own benefit. I didn’t want to get another dog until I was ready for a new dog—to meet their needs, not comparing the new dog to Dakota.
At just over one year after Dakota’s passing, a good friend of mine who is also a breeder suggested it might be time for me to consider getting another dog. She made it possible for me to pick a new family member if I was ready. I decided it was time and, thankfully, I have a new best girl, a bernedoodle named Journey. She is funny, quirky, loving, super-social and nothing like Dakota. She has her own place in my heart. She is helping me to travel life’s path on my own new journey, restarting life after so many huge transitions.
I still miss Dakota something terrible but I know she is now at peace and out of pain and I can now enjoy memories of our time together without breaking down.
Am I happy I waited? Absolutely. I needed the time to gather myself. Am I happy I decided to jump in again with a new puppy? Absolutely! My little Journey fills my life with joy. I have a new travel buddy and furry family member.
My beautiful girl Dakota. 2005–2020.
Photo by Shelly Keel
Sheryl Walker (Indiana) This is so relevant for me right now, I thought I would share my story.
Exactly two years ago, my husband Bobby and I lost our beagle, Spud. It was sudden—he had collapsed off the couch after an afternoon outside in spring weather, playing and having a good day. We brought him to the emergency vet; it was right after everything shut down because of COVID. We weren’t allowed to be in the room with him while they ran tests, and it killed me inside because I knew this was our last night together. They said he had internal bleeding, and it would be $6,000.00 for emergency surgery, only to give him another few months to live. I fought for us to be in the room with him, and they finally listened to me. We spent an hour with him, talking to him, and I made the decision to humanely euthanize him while he was lying on the couch in the room. We went home that night in shock, disbelief, and grief.
Meanwhile, we had a German Shepherd/Rottweiler at home, Luigi, and a cat, Katy Purry.
Three months later, Luigi was diagnosed with degenerative myelopathy and his anal-gland cancer returned after three years of remission. His back legs declined so badly over the next three months that after five days with him at the emergency vet, we decided to bring him home to spend his last two days giving him palliative care. I slept on the floor with him, we gave him hamburger. He was on pain meds, and he was happy. We spent time outside, which was his favorite.
We said goodbye to both of our dogs in 2020, six months apart from each other. And both of their goodbyes were on top of the miscarriage we experienced with our gestational surrogate. So 2020 was colored with sadness and grief. Bobby and I decided to feel the grief and figure out a new life without dogs. It took a while.
Two years later, we are still a one-cat household.
Katy Purry’s personality flourished after we said goodbye to Luigi. Katy has been my lifeline, my cuddle buddy, and she soothes my anxiety. She’s given us new behaviors to observe since she doesn’t have pesky brothers up in her business. She feels very comfortable and safe, and for those reasons, we have decided to not get any more dogs while she is still with us.
Evee Linden (Connecticut) My heart dog died suddenly from cancer. It was not at all expected. She went from being the picture of health to needing to be euthanized in four days. I was a wreck. I wanted a new dog, but the landlord said no. Then Hurricane Sandy hit. The landlord okayed a foster dog, as the shelter I helped in got flooded. When time came for him to go back, I found a new place to rent as I could not stand to lose him.
This is almost ten years ago and he is now very sick. We have three more dogs—without them, I couldn’t cope with losing another. Some people can’t have a new dog fast; it’s hard on their heart. Personally, I fall apart without their company and that would be harder on my heart. We have two on limited time right now, and it’s so hard to think about losing them—my old man and my partner’s old man. Papa, 16.5, and Scooby, who’s 10.5. We try to do the most we can every day for them.
Ruth L. Heller (Pennsylvania) I’d be a lot better off right now if I’d been able to get a puppy after losing Pagan. Realistically I can’t and I know that. But my wrecked emotional status won’t begin to recover from that loss without a new source of joy.
It really varies. Some must wait in order to cope. Some need their hearts to refill right away.
Jane Beecham (United Kingdom) Lost my boy a month ago—devastated, and the hole is huge. We will get another dog, or maybe two, when I’ve finished my masters toward the end of the year. Right now I’m loving everyone else’s dogs.
Caro Janmaat (The Netherlands) I need some time. Then I assess the new circumstances. Can I still offer the pet what it needs? Do I still want to make the adjustments in my life if the pet requires that? Are there still people who can be my back-up if I can’t take care of the pet? Does my back-up approve my choice? If so, then it is time for a new buddy.
Anne Rogers (Ireland) I have always done back to back. But last time round, there was a year’s wait for my specific puppy. And it really changed my view on heart-dogs and that. With the delay, I had time to process my last dog’s loss and prepare. Obviously I still love my last dog, but there was much more clarity and some different arrangements for the new dog coming in. It has set us up for a more unique and still wonderful relationship. Just that time.
Good question and I understand so many different attitudes to this!
NEXT WEEK: More friends share their experiences—what they did, how they felt about adopting another pet after a beloved pet died, and how their decisions have worked out so far. I hope you’ll join us.
