If you have ever loved a pet, you have experienced loss, or you will. What did you do?
I asked friends online to answer, “What do you do when a beloved pet dies?”
I wasn’t soliciting suggestions for what others should do after a beloved pet dies. Instead, I wanted to read about and, I hoped, to share experiences. I asked them to fill in some background.
Was the loss sudden? Did you fight a long battle to save the pet over time? Was it your first pet loss or one of many over the years? Did you have other pets, or was the pet you lost your only pet then?
After the pet died, did you decide to get another pet (of the same species?) right away, if possible, or did you decide not to get another pet right away, to wait, or to not ever to get another pet?
If you decided to get another pet right away, how soon did you get that pet?
If you decided to wait to get another pet right away, how long did you wait?
If you decided not to get another pet (of that species?), how long has it been (since your pet died)?
In retrospect, how do you feel about the decision you made after your pet died? Did you change your mind eventually? What were the feelings and reasons that caused you to come to a different conclusion later?
Here are some of the thoughtful and poignant answers to my questions:
Karen Schlosberg (Massachusetts) It depends. After Ruby died I thought I was going to wait a few months, but I started looking on Petfinder and I ended up with a new cat in two weeks. It depends on how your heart feels and how empty your home feels.
Debby McMullen (Pennsylvania) Depends on what you mean by right away. I would say no, never right away for me. I need mourning time—but the dog also has to be the right addition, so that’s generally what I wait for . . . seeing a dog available whose picture speaks to me in some way but also fits the parameters of what we need. This loss was very sudden and unexpected and I haven’t had only one dog since 1998. And Kenzo has never been an only dog. It was two months yesterday, so we are looking, but but I have not had an available dog catch my eye yet.
Peggy Modjeski (Kentucky) My heart dog died in December 2020 after a five-year battle with congestive heart failure. It took me over a year before I could consider getting another dog without crying. I recently spoke with a breeder and got put on her list for a puppy next year, which gives me time to change my mind and/or something to look forward to. I still cry when I think about my little dog. I miss him so much. He was my best friend.
Kathleen Huggins (Washington) We have normally anticipated and adopted before. The last one died before we got a replacement, and his sis went into deep mourning. Never a question but that we would replace ASAP.
Mandy Lorian (Wisconsin) When I’ve gone from three to two dogs, I did not immediately adopt another. The remaining two had each other and we all needed to take care of each other before we created a new family. Going from two to one was really difficult, though. I couldn’t get used to saying “dog” in the singular and the house seemed empty and lonely. I started fostering and my second foster ended up being a foster fail. He was the right dog at the right time.
Gwen Jones (California) Before my first dog died, a good friend had said I should get another dog, I didn’t, and when the first dog died suddenly I was so bereft that it took me six months to think about getting another dog. When I did, I got one just like her best friend, instead of one just like her. I’ve had no fewer than two dogs since and was up to five at one point!
Jaxon Riley (Washington) We have a lot of love to give and a lot of adult humans in our home who provide care for the dogs 24/7. When one of our dogs gets up in years, we often add a younger rescue to the family. This young energy seems to perk up the older dogs and allows us to avoid the brutal empty-nest transition time. It is such a personal decision; I know everyone proceeds differently. This is just what we do.
Dale Ward (North Carolina) When I lost Wylie, I swore I would never get another dog. Her death shook me to my core and I wasn’t sure I’d survive it. After about a year, I started looking at puppy photos on the internet. I decided it was time, and got Rhubarb, my sweet Labrador. I have to tell you that for the first three months, it was really hard. Every time I looked at that precious puppy, all I could see was Wylie. I resented the puppy. I didn’t want her. It was too soon. But slowly, gently, lovingly, she worked her way into my heart until she took her place right beside Wylie. If I’d waited, would it have been easier? I have no way of knowing, but I can tell you this: I am grateful and thankful for her every day and I love her beyond measure.
Photo by Dale Ward
Steven Cogswell (Colorado) Willy the awesome Italian Greyhound was my first dog. He lived to be almost 16, but the last two years were filled with a lot of adjusting to his declining mobility. Then he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Meds gave us an extra seven months or so together, but his death was not unexpected. When Willy died, I didn’t know what to do. I thought maybe I should wait because it was a very hard loss. Someone I worked with who knew a lot about dogs gave me great advice. He told me, “Right now, you have space in your life for a dog. You have a dog walker, dog beds; your schedule is built around having a dog. If you wait too long, that space can get filled by other things and ten years could go by. Get another dog.” I took his advice and adopted Jasper about three weeks later. That is some of the best advice I’ve ever been given.
Sara Maynard (Trinidad and Tobago) Because of the volunteer work I do, it’s often not long before I come across a case that I take in for one reason or another after one of my animals has died. I tend to take in the cases that have health issues, behavioral problems, etc. Sometimes I will take in an animal that has been given a veterinary prognosis that means they may live for only a year or so. It doesn’t mean that I don’t mourn the dog or cat I just lost, it just means that their passing has now left space for an animal that might have been euthanized if I hadn’t had the room in my home to take him or her in. Each animal I have has their own very different personality, which means you miss them for various reasons. However, there are some that make the loss even harder. For example, if the animal came to you in a terrible condition and you were able to get them back to good health, the bond is going to be much stronger, as you know the journey that dog or cat had prior to your adopting them.
Anna Abney (South Carolina) I keep multiple pets and generally have the next few pet acquisitions planned in advance, by being on lists for planned breedings or having planned breedings myself. When I lose a pet, I don’t specifically go out and get another, but I don’t change the plans that are already in place, either. Sometimes that might mean adding the new pet immediately. Sometimes it might mean many months or years passing. Now, with my working dogs (I have working livestock guardian dogs), I also have planned future dogs, but if I lose a dog unexpectedly I will potentially add another dog as soon as possible so as not to have a gap in the protection of my livestock. I try to prevent this by adding a puppy before my oldest working dog reaches the point of retiring. This way they can not only help me train the new recruit, but when the pup is mature and ready for its adult role, the elder is able to retire as needed, ideally before they are really struggling physically to keep up with the workload. I plan to do the same with my next herding dog puppy, so by the time my current herder needs help with the heavy lifting, the pup will be ready to go and my current girl can slow down if she needs to.
Linda Adams Brennen (Colorado) When I know the end is approaching for one of my dogs, I start looking for my next puppy. While I know a new pup can never replace the beautiful soul I am about to lose, looking forward to filling the soon-to-be empty space in my life helps me deal with the upcoming loss.
Christina Boling (Florida) We did the opposite, actually—when my boy passed away, my fiancé ended up rehoming his dog less than a month later. The loss of one dog opened our eyes to how miserable our two others were, who didn’t get along. As soon as our attention was no longer constantly on the older dog, we realized it was better for our younger dogs if we rehomed one. He has an amazing home now and is very, very happy. We kept the youngest dog, who is dog aggressive and was not as easy a rehome because of his bite history. We lost two old dogs to old age last year and one to rehoming. Went from four dogs to one dog in less than a year.
Trish McMillan (North Carolina) I haven’t had fewer than two pets since the ’90s. Three dogs is my favorite number. That way if one dies, the others still have a friend. That being said, the fastest I’ve gotten a new pet was three days after the old one died. When my most predatory dog died and I realized I could have a cat now, I went straight to the shelter. And when my most painful loss happened, an 18-month-old dog whom I euthanized for severe aggression, I pretty much immediately adopted another dog, one with a behavior problem I could resolve (I’m a trainer). I broke my rule and got a fourth dog in December, but two of mine are old and one has cancer.
Wendy Acosta (Hawaii) I made it a month. No little crumb vacuum, no furriness warming my feet, no snuggle on cold nights. SpokAnimal yielded a Border/Basset who was the best dog yet. Now I live on Maui and I have been petless for over a decade due to housing restrictions. Hoping to someday have a dog once again.
Debra Millikan (South Australia) Having just completed an advanced diploma in pet bereavement counseling, I would advise to wait a while to consider what is currently happening in your life, etc.
NEXT WEEK: More friends share their experiences—what they did, how they felt about adopting another pet after a beloved pet died, and how their decisions have worked out so far. I hope you’ll join us.
