Anthropomorphize much? I do. I often put what I think might be my pets’ thoughts into human words—English usually, although my oldest dog does sometimes throw in a few French phrases. (He wore a Canadian harness when he was a puppy so I taught him the meaning of various French words.) Of course, I could be wrong. Maybe that’s not what they’re thinking at all . . . but it’s my best guess!
Here’s what I think many of our dogs would wish:
I’d like to get out more. Walks are good, but we mostly go to the same places every time we walk. I’d like to take a different direction once in a while. Could you let me take the lead? (No, no, not literally! Chewing on the leash is not rewarding, I have learned over the years.) I mean, could you let me decide where to walk? Guide me, of course; don’t let me go anywhere dangerous. I can’t read the signs that say, “No Swimming” and “Watch For Bikes,” after all. But don’t keep my leash tight all the time. Let it loose and let me sniff off the path we usually walk. Take extra poop bags and your mobile phone—we’ll be fine!
I’d like more interesting food. You feed me the same darn thing, every day, every meal. It’s not that I don’t like my food; it’s fine. But you might consider adding some extras that turn it from Mickey D’s into gourmet fare! Pumpkin is good, it’s not expensive, and a glob of it on my kibble might help my digestive system function more efficiently. It’s fiber, you know! Green beans, too, add fiber and interest to my normal bowl of food. Dip my dog biscuits in peanut butter . . . but be sure it’s safe for me. (No xylitol sweetener. It could kill me!) Want to give me table scraps? Put them in the bowl with my dinner! That way, I can enjoy them but you won’t be encouraging me to beg at the table, see?
I’d like more friends. I mean animal friends. I love my human family and friends dearly, but most of us canines like to socialize with each other as well. I need compatible friends, not bullies or scaredy dogs. When I’m a puppy, I need other puppies my age but I also need other dog playmates who are older—to show me the ropes, to teach me what’s acceptable socially for my species. It would be great to have friends who live nearby so I can see them often. Maybe I could even be friends with another dog whose family is willing to trade pet-sitting with my family, so I can always stay in a familiar place with familiar faces, both animal and human, when you want to take a trip without me?
I need you to stop getting mad at me because I don’t understand. Yelling at me when I bark too much does not make sense! Scolding me for doing something wrong because you think I should know better . . . you know that’s silly, right? When I know better, I do better. It’s your responsibility to teach me what you want by rewarding me when I get it right. I need small increments, one step at a time. I can’t grok what your words mean the first time I hear ’em. I need you to show me, over and over, and I need you to let me know when I get it right. It’s not fair to say, “It’s about time!” instead of “Good ‘Leave It’!” When I get it right, you must praise me, you must reward me—every single time!
I’d like you to teach me something new! Have you considered all the activities available for dogs? There’s something fun and educational for everyone in the dog kingdom to do. I might like agility—not only if I’m athletic, but also if I’m a little klutzy: I need to learn where all my feet are at all times. I can become more coordinated! Plus agility training can wear me out physically and mentally so I will be less bored at home. Less boredom for me means fewer hassles for you. Or how about barn hunt? I could learn to identify the smell of rodents—yes, rats!—and search for them, but they’re safe in containers that I never get to open so they’re in no danger. Or what about flyball or frisbee?
I’d like you to play with me at home, too! I have toys (I have a gazillion toys), but what I don’t have often enough is someone to play with my toys with me. That would be you. Fetch toys aren’t all that interesting without someone to throw them. Throwing in the house isn’t good, though, so maybe you could hide the toys instead? Make it easy for me at first until I understand the game, then feel free to make it more difficult. Just don’t tempt me into doing something I shouldn’t. For example, don’t hide toys under the sofa cushions if I’m the type of dog who digs. You get the picture, right? Be smart.
I would also like more interactive food toys. I’ve heard there are actually puzzles where the dog has to figure out how to get the pieces of food hidden inside. I think I would like that! Don’t fob me off with a stick of rawhide—you know it’s not good for me, anyway—when you could take just a few minutes more to fill a Kong with all kinds of food goodies that I can enjoy as I rest in my kennel while you work. Peanut butter, squeeze cheese, tube meat, carrots, apples, bone broth . . . then freeze it to make it less messy and longer-lasting for me to consume. A stuffed Kong a day keeps the boredom away!
I’d like to be groomed more often. I know, that sounds crazy, but I understand that the more often I am groomed, the less stressful and demoralizing grooming will be. Put me on your schedule. Comb or brush me every day, even just for a few minutes. Check out all of me, from my ear tips to my paw pads. Make sure everything is normal. You might find something not normal, like cheat grass in my ears or a cut pad on one of my paws. You know how bad you would feel if I had something wrong with me and you didn’t even know it. Trim a nail a day, just like the Guide Dog puppy raisers do!
I want to be a part of your life—an important part! I don’t want to be an accessory. I might embarrass you with my behavior, but please don’t think that means I should spend the rest of my life behind bars in a kennel or, worse yet, that I cannot be a part of your family. I can learn if you can teach me. Don’t give up on me so easily. You may not understand why I am the way I am, but that’s okay. There are people who do understand and you can ask for help. Positive training, not punishment, can solve so many problems that people have with dogs. Give me the chance to be the dog you want me to be!
